Realizing my desperate need for Him...

I'm not entirely sure where to start this blog as I believe that God has been working in the deep confines of my heart this past couple of weeks...  I came here with expectations, but I am realizing that He is the One who actually knows what needs to be addressed in my life.  Last week, we had a speaker from India who spoke on what it means to be a good steward of all that God has given us - not just in finances but in every area of our lives.  He talked about surrendering all of that back to Him and not allowing it to have a hold on us.  Yesterday, I began to read a book by A.W. Tozer and the second chapter is entitled "The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing."  Repeatedly, I feel that God has bringing up this theme, and I am realizing there are some things in my life that I am desperately clinging to.  None of them are bad in of themselves, but somehow, they have taken a place in my heart that only God is worthy of.  All of us have aspects of our lives that are not fully submitted to the Father's care, but these also hinder us from truly knowing Him.  I desperately desire to know Him and to draw closer and closer to Him.  He IS the Living Water and the only One who fills, and He willingly offers those waters to us if we will just come to Him and drink.  I have been distraught because I feel that I am going through a period of almost agonizing purging, and I am realizing my total and complete dependence on God for my very life.  I keep asking Him how those things in my life can be stripped away in the midst of my weakness...  Yesterday, I had come to the end of myself and ended up desperately calling out to Him because I feel so at war with myself.  I want to do what is right, want to be fully submitted to Him, but my flesh is deadset against following Him that deeply.  After I was finished spilling out my heart, He filled me with a mysterious peace and I felt like He reminded me that His joy is my strength.  On the Sermon on the Mount, He says, "Blessed are those who realize their need for Him, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."  My need is huge, my lack of desire is astounding, but my gracious God never lets me go.  How wonderful is it that we have a God who is not impressed by our strength and by our "good" prayers but one who just wants us to come as we are?  Even my desire is dependent on Him... I know that I long to be fully His simply because He put that longing in me, and He will be the One who gives me the strength to follow Him.  Yes, in these areas of my life, I will have to cling to Him in desperation... But I will refuse to stop pursuing Him until He has completed His work in me.  Praise God that as Philippians says, the work that He began in us, He will bring to completion.  He is good, and I will wait for Him with confidence and eager expecation...

Unexpected lessons....

This weekend, I was SO excited to be able to spend time at Kandersteg... sledding in the Alps!  My team left Friday night, but by the time we left, I had already come down with the stomach flu.  Great timing as I just started to feel better from being sick the last time...  There were others sick as well, but they were feeling better by yesterday morning, so I spent the day in bed sleeping instead.  I was quite honestly so frustrated because I had been praying for this weekend to be used to draw my team closer together... And I have been praying and praying for health, and yet I have spent the majority of 2011 sick.  Almost enough to make me crawl in my little hole of self-pity.  But, as I am learning to see, God's plans are usually a bit different than our own, and His way of teaching us is usually a bit more challenging than we would prefer.  See - I have been asking God to show me what it means to love those around me and to live in community because I am TERRIBLE at it!  I am easily irritated and typically spend the majority of my time by myself... But I know this is not how God created us to function, and I have desired something different in my life.

So let's pick back up, shall we?  Yesterday morning, I got up so that I could at least go down to breakfast with the team... Maybe try to get something down... Shortly afterwards, I made my way back to my room to lay down while everyone else was scrambling to prepare for the day.  As I was drifting off, someone came into my room with a lunch that one of the guys on my team had made for me.  No questions, no second thoughts... To this guy, it's just what he does...  I have honestly seen him put himself above others in every little circumstance that I have difficulty with, and I was blown away by this simple thoughtfulness (by today, he had actually forgotten that he had done that for me).  By the time I woke up, the team was already coming back to prepare for supper, and by that time I really wanted a shower.  My team mates were sweaty and dirty, but they actually all offered to let me go first even though I had been there all day.  And then today, everyone was ready to go home.... I hadn't seen ANYTHING yet of the Alps, and they were aware of this... So a couple of the girls offered to take me up there for a sledding run even though they were exhausted and ready to go home... And they wouldn't hear otherwise...  Sometimes, we need Jesus with skin on, and this weekend, my team was just that to me.  God is showing me what it looks like to serve and to care for each others needs, and He is doing it through people who are going the extra mile to love me simply because they want to...  God, I want to be more like this.  I want to truly SEE others even when they don't tell me what their needs are... Let me be willing to see and to act instead of looking the other direction for the sake of convenience!  I want to serve like You!