The last few times I have written, I have been focused mainly on what I have been learning and where I have been challenged, but this week I want to focus on something different. This DTS has been nothing like I expected it, and I have been desperately asking God to do something in my life... To not allow me to come back from this place unchanged... Over and over again, my mind has been challenged, but I have felt a lack of transformation in my heart. In the last few days, I believe that God has been starting to answer my cries.
Over the course of my walk with the Lord, I have really struggled to see Him as my loving Father, and I have often been unable to fathom what that actually looks like. Even when I get a glimpse of it, it tends to flee away quickly, and I continue to strive after Him in all-consuming, exhausting attempts to "get to Him." I have struggled with Jesus' admonition to "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest..." because I feel that many times I am trying and trying but getting nowhere in my walk with Him. He has revealed bits and pieces of Himself that have blown my world apart, but the transformation seems so slow and painstaking at times that I can't help but wonder if anything actually is taking place. A couple of weeks ago, I heard a woman speaking about the Parable of the Weeds and about how oftentimes we expect to see fruit in our lives before we are even firmly rooted and established in who God is. This has been on my mind, and I have been asking for God to show me who He is so that I can truly reflect His heart. In the midst of my prayers, God has been slowly tearing away the hardness of my heart, and He is showing Himself as my Father in incredible ways.
For the first time in my life, I think that I am honestly feeling His pleasure washing over me. Isaiah 43 says, "Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I will give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life." How incredible is this??!! Our God, our Abba, has given us His Son and allowed us to be called His children! Have you ever really dwelled on this and believed this? The love of a perfect Father is unconditional, it never stops no matter how much we mess up, and it is absolutely unrelenting. It is tender yet firm. It demands obedience, not to take away freedom but so that we can walk in the freedom that we were created for... And the Father counts each child as precious.... I am realizing that I can believe that when He looks at me, He sees a precious daughter that He formed and molded with His own hands. His love for me cannot and will not change, and He will never leave me even if everything else crashes around me. He is strong enough for me, and He WILL NOT LEAVE! I am so blown away that He would speak these words to my heart, and I believe that this is just the beginning of the whispers... And He invites all of us to come to Him and to dwell in His incredible presence and to experience His fullness of joy!
Thank You, Father, that you are steadfast in Your love to me and that You never fail. Thank You that You won't give up on me and that You won't stop until I understand who You are. You never stop holding me, never stop pursuing me. You are firm from the beginning and the end, and You are greater than all of my stubbornness, all of my lack of desire, all of my selfishness and frustration. And when you look at me, You do not see my brokenness and failures, but You see me as I was always created to be. Thank You for everything You are in light of all that I am not. Thank You that I AM Yours!
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